Extract from The Big Feller

Père Ubu in Liverpool 

A Fragment 

SCENE TWO

(The scene changes to Hardman Street. Père Ubu is discovered toiling up the hill, followed at a distance by Mère Ubu and a number of Palotins.) 

Mère Ubu: 
Oh, Père Ubu, you big bag of shit, why don't you ask someone the way?

Ubu: 
Silence, Mère Ubu, or I'll wring your horrible scrawny neck. (Sees a crowd of Mods leaning against the wall outside The Sink Club. Speaks to the nearest one.) Tell me, sire, could you direct me to that edifice known as the Cathedral?

Mod:
Yerwhar?

Ubu: 
Homsgidouille, shittr, can no one here speak a civilized tongue?

Mod: 
Now then, la, yer wanner watch dat languidge yer know.

Ubu (to Mère Ubu and party): 
Ignorant savages!

Mod: 
Yer lookin' for a spot of lumber, la?

Ubu: 
Lumber?

Mod: 
You know - a bit of a barney, a punch-up, a KO job like. 

Ubu: 
Do you dare to challenge the mighty Master of Phynances himself to battle? The great Père Ubu, King of Poland, Count of Sandomir, Emperor of Liverpool! By my green candle, shittr, sire, a hideous fate shall be yours. Torsion of the nose and ears, extraction of the eyes. Insertion of the Little Piece of Wood into the Nine Entrances of the Body ....

Mod: 
All right den. I've got me mates here. (Pushes Ubu.)

Ubu: 
Forward, Palotins, let the shittr-hook do noble battle! (The Palotins rush forward waving lavatory brushes and start fighting with the Mods. One Mod falls to the ground. Others have got a Palotin on the ground and are putting the boot in. Père Ubu retires to the rear and shouts encouragement. One of the Mods sees him and rushes towards him.)

Mod 2: 
I'll get the big feller.

Ubu: 
No no don't hurt me I'm on your side Liverpool for the Cup I Love You Yeah Yeah Yeah Long Live King Billy. (By this time he is cowering behind Mère Ubu's skirts. Mod 2 pushes her aside and seizes him.)

Mod 2: 
Yer dirty Prodestant bastard! (Butts him.)

Ubu (on ground): 
Ooh, I'm dying. Our Phynancial nose, pride of our magnificent body, is irreparably broken. Help me, Mère Ubu!

Mère Ubu: 
Help yourself, you bloody great baby.

(The Mods run off. Palotins help Père Ubu to his feet.)

SCENE THREE

(Outside the Philharmonic Hall. Père Ubu, Mère Ubu and the surviving Palotins trudge along Hope Street. Enter a man in a bowler hat, morning suit, briefcase, rolled umbrella etc.)

Ubu: 
Ah! At last a worthy-looking citizen. Obviously a Rentier, a man of substance in this city. Perhaps I shall now get some civilized directions ... Excuse me, sire, but I and my entourage have walked for many hours and our Royal feet are exceedingly sore. Could you perhaps direct us to that which has heretofore been known as the Cathedral?

Man: 
Yerwhar? (Ubu collapses.)

CURTAIN 

Adrian Henri, extract from The Big Feller, 1979

from Wish You Were Here. Published by Jonathan Cape 1990.